I know the myth is that men want Traci Lords in the bedroom,
 Julia Child in the kitchen, Hazel around the house, Lesley Visser
 during a game, Mary Poppins for the children, Cha Cha Muldowney in
 traffic, Dr. Quinn medicine chick when we're sick, Mary Richards at
 work, Mother Theresa when we come home with leprosy, Gertrude Stein in
 conversation, the body of Sophia Loren in 'Boy on a Dolphin' combined
 with the voice of Sade, and to top it all off the IQ of Anna Nicole
 Smith, because of course, we don't want to feel too threatened.

 So that's the myth of what we want, what's the reality? Well,
 first off put that Cosmo article down right now and back slowly away
 from the magazine.

 Now go to the window and take a deep breath.  You must clear your
 head of bullshit articles like "How to Trick Your Man into Cooking
 Tex-Mex."  Trick me?  How about asking me?  And then I'll be able to
 tell you I don't have a fucking clue what Tex-Mex is, okay?!

 All right, I'm not supposed to do this.  I'm not supposed to
 reveal the master list to all you non tri-pods, but what the hell.
 Here goes.  Here's what men want from women.  One through Ten:

      ONE- We want you to understand that we don't give a shit about
      clothes.  All right?  Yours or ours.  All we need is one pair of
      tennies and one pair of church shoes.  That's it.

      TWO- Don't talk to us while the television is on.  All right.
      Very simple. Television is off, we talk.  Television is on, we
      don't talk.

      THREE- When you're behind the wheel of a car, if you want to get
      aggressive, that's fine, but don't give somebody the finger and
      expect me to defend your honor when Steroid Lad comes over
      swinging a pair of num-chucks, all right?

      FOUR- Would it kill you to watch 'The Godfather' or 'Scarface'
      with me for the fifty-seventh time?

      FIVE- Hey I'm sorry, but some of us see a beautiful sunset and
      think, "You know I'll betcha my accountant is boning me up the
      ass."

      SIX- You go see Nell by yourself, all right? I met enough chicks
      like that at The Drink when I was single.

      SEVEN- Have a sense of humor.  Without a sense of humor a
      relationship lasts about as long David Duke at a Black Panther
      meeting.

      EIGHT- Work out your job-related anger before we have sex.  Just
      because Helmut, the office boy, brought you the cup of lima bean
      consomme instead of the bowl of lima bean consomme from Soup
      Plantation, I don't want to end up in the friction burn groin
      ward at Cedars-Sinai.  All right?

      NINE- Don't ask us to cry.  As much as you say you want us
      to cry, you don't really want us to cry.  You hate it when we
      cry.  I've tried crying in front of my wife.  She enjoyed it for
      about thirty seconds and then started thinking, "Why in the fuck
      did I marry this hamster?"

      TEN- be patient.  Hold us.  Love us unconditionally.  Help us out
      of this testosterone-induced fog we dwell in and lead us into the
      light.  Or if that's asking too much, how's about a big sloppy
      blow job once in a while.