FileTitle: List1522.html
Category: Humor
Type: List
Description: Employer Talk
EMPLOYER TALK
------------
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:"  You'll be making under $7 an hour.
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making
     under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:" We want you to get your hopes up,
     but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:"  Once it's shared between the higher-ups,
     there won't be a profit.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our
   competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you;
     you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a
     few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
"IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job
     gave notice a month ago.  We're just now running the ad.
"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:"  We're not going to supply
  you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first
  commission check.
"SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions
"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO,
     which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your
 own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching
 contribution.
"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still
     live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that
     you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover.
"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits
     will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you
     don't drink with them.
"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind
     schedule on your first day.
"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll
     go on TV and get us out of it.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start.
"A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
"FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
"DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last
     round of layoffs, that is.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.
"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years
     studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:"  We've filled the job; our call for
     resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll
     need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company
     in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities
     of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen,
     figure out what they want and do.
"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired.
"ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:"  We loooooove brown-nosers.