FileTitle: List1527.html
Category: Humor
Type: List
Description: Applicant Speak
*** APPLICANT SPEAK
"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac.
When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other
people what to do.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've
used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask
me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and
do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokes
and I tell them badly.
"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal
advice to co-workers.
"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.
"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably
looking for someone more experienced.
"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job.
I'm outta there.
"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out.
"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of
sexual harassment.
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold
my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my
interest and wishing me luck in my future career.