FileTitle: Prose1330.html
Category: Humor
Type: Prose
Description: Stock Mixup Story - Told Well
 The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been
 broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the
 government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant
 through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a
 proxy father - a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's
 problem by impregnating the wife.

 The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to
 arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man
 should be here soon". Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer
 rings the bell...

 Ms. Smith: Good morning.
 Salesman: Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to...
 Ms. Smith: No need to explain, I've been expecting you.
 Salesman: Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies,
           especially twins.
 Ms. Smith: That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
            have a seat.
 Salesman: (Sitting) Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?
 Ms. Smith: Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is
            the right thing to do.
 Salesman: Well, perhaps we should get down to it.
 Ms. Smith: (Blushing) Just where do we start?
 Salesman: Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
           on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the
           living room floor allows the subject to really spread out.
 Ms. Smith: Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for
           Harry and me.
 Salesman: Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time,
           but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven
           angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the result. In fact,
           my business card says, 'I aim to please'.
 Ms. Smith: Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal.
 Salesman: Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his
           time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be
           disappointed with that.
 Ms. Smith: Don't I know? Have you had much success at this?
 Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) Just look at
           this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in
           downtown London.
 Ms. Smith: Oh, my??
 Salesman: And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They
           turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother
           was so difficult to work with.
 Ms. Smith: She was?
 Salesman: Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park
           to get the job done right. I've never worked under such
           impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and
           five deep, pushing to get a good look.
 Ms. Smith: Four and five deep?
 Salesman: Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so
           excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at
           the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a
           couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was
           approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels
           began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in.
 Ms. Smith: You mean they actually chewed on your, eh ..., equipment?
 Salesman: That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work
           a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique.
           Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a
           big department store.
 Ms. Smith: I just can't believe it.
 Salesman: Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we
           can get to work.
 Salesman: Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we
           can get to work.
 Ms. Smith: TRIPOD???
 Salesman: Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's
           much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting Ms.
           Smith? ... Ms. Smith? ... My word, she's fainted?