FileTitle: Prose1398.html
Category: Humor
Type: Prose
Description: 12 Days of Christmas
     Miss Agnes McHolstein
     69 Cash Avenue
     Beaver Valley, Colorado

     December 14, 1994

     Dearest John:

     I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
     pear tree.  What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been
     more surprised.

     With deepest love and devotion,

     Agnes




     Miss Agnes McHolstein
     69 Cash Avenue
     Beaver Valley, Colorado

     December 15, 1994

     Dearest John:

     Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.  Just imagine two
     turtle doves.  I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.  They
     are just adorable.

     All my love,

     Agnes



     Miss Agnes McHolstein
     69 Cash Avenue
     Beaver Valley, Colorado

     December 16, 1994

     Dearest John:

     Oh!  Aren't you the extravagant one.  Now I really must protest.  I
     don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just
     darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

     Love,

     Agnes



     Miss Agnes McHolstein
     69 Cash Avenue
     Beaver Valley, Colorado

     December 17, 1994

     Dear John,

     Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds.  Now really, they are
     beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too
     romantic.

     Affectionately,

     Agnes



     Miss Agnes McHolstein
     69 Cash Avenue
     Beaver Valley, Colorado

     December 18, 1994

     Dearest John:

     What a surprise.  Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for
     every finger.  You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all
     those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

     All my love,

     Anges



     Miss Agnes McHolstein
     69 Cash Avenue
     Beaver Valley, Colorado

     December 19, 1994

     Dear John:

     When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my
     front steps.  So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are
     huge.  Where will I ever keep them?  The neighbors are complaining and
     I can't sleep through the racket.

     Please stop.

     Cordially,

     Agnes




     Miss Agnes McHolstein
     69 Cash Avenue
     Beaver Valley, Colorado

     December 20, 1994

     John:

     What's with you and those fucking birds?  7 swans a-swimming. What
     kind of God damned joke is this?  There's bird shit all over the
     house, and they never stop with the racket.  I can't sleep at night
     and I'm a nervous wreck.  It's not funny.  So stop with those fucking
     birds.

     Sincerely,

     Agnes



     Miss Agnes McHolstein
     69 Cash Avenue
     Beaver Valley, Colorado

     December 21, 1994

     O.K. Buster:

     I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to do with 8
     maids a-milking?  It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids
     a-milking, but they had to bring their God damned cows.  There is shit
     all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house.  Just lay off me,
     smart ass.

     Agnes




     Miss Agnes McHolstein
     69 Cash Avenue
     Beaver Valley, Colorado

     December 22, 1994

     Hey!  Shithead,

     What are you?  Some kind of sadist?  Now there's 9 pipers playing.
     And Christ do they play.  They've never stopped chasing those maids
     since they got here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset,
     and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.  What am I going
     to do?  The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

     You'll get yours,

     Agnes



     Miss Agnes McHolstein
     69 Cash Avenue
     Beaver Valley, Colorado

     December 23, 1994

     You Rotten Prick,

     Now there's 10 ladies dancing.  I don't know why I call those sluts
     ladies.  They've been balling those pipers all night long.  Now the
     cows can't sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is a
     river of shit.  The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to
     give cause why this building shouldn't be condemned.

     I'm sic-ing the police on you.

     One who means it.



     Miss Agnes McHolstein
     69 Cash Avenue
     Beaver Valley, Colorado

     December 24, 1994

     Listen!  Fuckhead,

     What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of
     those broads will never walk again.  Those pipers ran through the
     maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.  All 23 of the
     birds are dead.  They've been trampled to death in the orgy.  I hope
     you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.

     Your sworn enemy,

     Agnes



     Law Offices
     Badger, Bender and Cahole
     303 Knave Street
     Chicago, Illinois

     December 25, 1994

     Dear Sir:

     This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which
     you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
     The destruction, of course, was total.  All correspondence should come
     to our attention.  If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at
     Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you
     on sight.  With this letter please find attached warrant for you
     arrest.

     Cordially,

     Badger, Bender and Cahole