FileTitle: Prose1423.html
Category: Humor
Type: Prose
Description: Acronym S.H.I.T.
From:    Dave Howard 
Subject: Special High Intensity Training 

Many thanks to the many folks who sent me their versions on the humor posted
here.  I have combined them into what I hope is the definitive version:
# # #
To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Retirement and Training Policies

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we
have been forced to cut down on our number of personnel.  Under a new plan,
older employees will be asked to go on an early retirement, thus permitting
the retention of younger people who will represent our future plans.
 Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year, via retirement,will be placed into effect immediately.  The
program will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs
outside the company, and provided that they are being RAPED, they can request
a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.
 This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of
Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper
management.  This will be known as SHAFT (Study of Higher Authority Following
Termination).  Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPED
once, SCREWED twice, but SHAFTed as many times as the company deems
appropriate.

If the employee follows the above procedure he, or she, will be entitled to
receive HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).  As
HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES
will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.

In addition, management wishes to assure the youngest employees who remain on
board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are
well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).  The
company takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive.  We have
given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in the area.  If any
employee feels he, or she, does not receive enought S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your immediate supervisor.  You supervisor is specially trained to
make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

Employees who don't voluntarily take S.H.I.T. will nonetheless be placed on
the S.H.I.T. list and be enrolled in Departmental Employee Evaluation
Programs (D.E.E.P/.S.H.I.T.).  Those who fail to take D.E.E.P/.S.H.I.T.
seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T/.S.H.I.T.).
 Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have
to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.  If an employee is
unable to grasp the concepts of S.H.I.T., he or she will be put on the
Opportunities Halted probationary list. (O.H./S.H.I.T)

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a  job training others.
 We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List
(B.U.L.L/.S.H.I.T.).  Those who are full of B.U.L.L/.S.H.I.T. will get
S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity
Programming (D.I.P/.S.H.I.T.).

There is currently an opening for Treasurer of the Organization for Us Giving
Hell (T.O.U.G.H/.S.H.I.T.)  If you have further questions, please direct them
to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T/.S.H.I.T.).
 For students who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consultancy, we will refer you to the Department of Managerial Operational
Research Education (M.O.R.E/.S.H.I.T.).  This course has its emphasis on how
to manage M.O.R.E/.S.H.I.T.

If you graduate to the top of our list by taking all the S.H.I.T. that is
given to you, you may qualify for our supervisor's program known as
Comprehensive Remedial Advisory Panel (C.R.A.P.)  You too can be a member of
management.  Simply take all the S.H.I.T. you can and you can look forward to
additional C.R.A.P. when you reach the top.  Any employee who has the
initiative and drive to take both S.H.I.T. and C.R.A.P. can count on being
one of the elite.

Also, our company is offering, for a limited time only, the chance for you,
the ordinary employee, to try for Action Supervisors Staff Handling Our Loyal
Employees (A.S.S.H.O.L.E.)

So work hard and you will find that the more S.H.I.T. you take and the more
C.R.A.P. you can handle may qualify you as an A.S.S.H.O.L.E. and, one day,
maybe even the Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P/.S.H.I.T.)

Thank you,

Boss in General,
Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G./S.H.I.T.)

Copy to:        Complete Registered Organized Computerized Knowledge
Originating Firsthand; Special High Intensity Training division.
 (C.R.O.C.K.O.F/.S.H.I.T.)