FileTitle: Prose1468.html
Category: Humor
Type: Prose
Description: Soap Story (extended now...hmmmm)
The following coorespondence actually occurred between a London hotel's
staff and one of its guests.  The London hotel involved submitted this to
the Sunday Times.  No name was mentioned.

Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
since I have bought my own bath-sized Dial.  Please remove the six unopened
little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the
shower soap dish.  They are in my way.  Thank you,  S. Berman

Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid.  She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her
day off.  I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as your
requested.  The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top
of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.  This leaves
only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to
leave 3 soaps daily.  I hope this is satisfactory.  Kathy, Relief Maid.

Dear Maid,
I hope you are my regular maid.  Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my
note to her concerning the little bars of soap.  When I got back to my room
this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my
medicine cabinet.  I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have
brought my own bath-sized Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which
are on the shelf.  They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.
Please remove them.  S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we
are instucted by the management.  I took the 6 soaps which were in your way
on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was.  I put the
Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.  I didn't remove the 3
complimentary soaps which are also placed inside the medicine cabinet for
all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last
Monday.  Please let me know if I can be of further assistance. Your regular
maid, Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A. M. that you called
him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.  I have
assigned a new girl to your room.  I hope you will accept my apologies for
any past inconvenience.  If you have any further complaints please contact
me so I can give it my personal attention.  Call extension 1108 between 8 A.
M. and 5 P. M.  Thank you.  Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45 A. M. and don't get back before 5:30 or 6:00 P. M.  That's
the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night.  You were already off duty.  I
only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of
soap.  The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in
today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet
along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf.  In just 5
days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.  Why are you doing this
to me?  S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, kathy has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
and remove the extra soaps.  If I can be of further assistance, please call
extension 1108 between 8:00 A. M. and 5:00 P. M.  Thank you.  Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-sized Dial is missing.  Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-sized Dial.  I came in late last night and had to call
the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.  S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our houskeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.  I
cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.  The
situation will be rectified immediately.  Please accept my apologies for the
inconvenience.  Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room?  I came in last night
and found 54 little bars of soap.  I don't want 54 little bars of Camay.  I
want my one damn bar of bath-sized Dial.  Do you realize I have 54 bars of
soap in here.  All I want is my bath-size Dial.  Please give me back my
bath-size Dial.  S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.  Then
you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I
personally returned them.  The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3
Camays you are supposed to receive daily.  I don't know anything about the 4
Cashmere Bouquets.  Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned
your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays.  I don't
know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial.  I was able to
locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.  Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.  As
of today I possess:
o On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
o On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 staks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
o On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4
hotel-size                 Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
o Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
o In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
o On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
o On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted.  Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4
have a tendency to tip.  May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not is
use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.  One more
item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping the
hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstanding.
S. Berman