FileTitle: Prose175.html
Category: Humor
Type: Prose
Description: Answering Machine Messages
"You have reached WPMS - 3 weeks of blues, 1 week of ragtime. WPMS."

You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on,
wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in,
leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I
pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another
long answering machine message when you call me...

(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have
fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call
until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but
I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh
a lot.

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please
speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the stop for
repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

(Very fast:) Hi, this is 904-4344. If you want to leave a message, please
wait for the tone. If you want to leave your name and number, *Answering
machine thread*please press pound, press 3, then dial your name, then press
6 and dial your number. If you want to leave your name and just a message,
press star, press 6, ask for extension 4443, then leave your name and
message.  If you want to leave your number and the time you called, please
press star twice, spin in a circle, press 1 twice, talk loud and BEEP

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and
a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.