FileTitle: Prose1775.html
Category: Humor
Type: Prose
Description: English is a Funny Language
     There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;  neither apple nor
pine in pineapple... English muffins were not invented in England or French
fries in France.  Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.
     We take English for granted.  But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
     And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce, and hammers don't ham?  If the plural of tooth is
teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?  One goose, 2 geese.  So, one
moose, 2 meese?  One index, two indices?  Is cheese the
plural of choose?
     If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
     In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?
     Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?  Have noses that run and feet
that smell?  Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
     Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship?  Have noses that run and feet
that smell?  Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
     How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites?  How can the weather be hot as hell one day
and cold as hell another?
     When a house burns up, it burns down.  You fill in a form by filling it
out,  and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
     When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out,
they are invisible.  And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when
I wind up this essay, I end it?

Richard Lederer's "Anguished English"