FileTitle: Prose1821.html
Category: Humor
Type: Prose
Description: Montana Winter
DIARY OF A CALIFORNIAN'S WINTER IN MONTANA

12/8    5:00 P.M.  It started to snow.  The first of the season and my lovely
wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the window, watching the soft
flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground.  Aahh, it
was beautiful--everything so crisp and clean--a dream come true!

12/9    We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the
landscape.  What a fantastic sight!     Every tree and shrub covered with a
beautiful white mantle.  I shoveled snow for the first time in years,  and I
loved it.  The air was crisp and clean, my nose glowing a bright red.   I did
both our driveway and our sidewalk, clearing away every little flake of
beautiful snow.  Later the snowplow came along and  covered up our driveway
with compacted snow from the street.  He smiled and waved.  I waved back.  I
shoveled it again.

12/12   The sun has melted most of our lovely snow.  Oh well, I'm sure we'll
get a little more before this lovely  winter is through.  I am looking
forward to that lovely sight again.

12/14   It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to about - 0.
 Shoveled the sidewalk and driveway again.  Shortly after, the snowplow came
by and did his little trick again.

12/15   Sold our car and bought a 4 X 4 Blazer so we could get around in the
snow.  Bought snow tires for the pickup, cost me $450.00.

12/18   Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway.  $43.00 to the chiropractor
but nothing was broke, thank God.  The damn sky is getting dark again.

12/19   Still cold (-5 this a.m.).  Pickup truck wouldn't start.  Icy roads
making for very tough driving.  Slid into a guardrail with my wife's car.
Bust up the front end, probably $900.00 damage, or so.  She's all pissed off.

12/20   Had another 14 inches of the white crap last night.  More shoveling in
store for me today.  That goddam snowplow came by twice.  I flipped him the
bird!

12/22   We are assured of a White Christmas because another 7 inches of that
white shit fell today and with this     freezing weather it won't melt until
August!  I got all dressed up to go out and shovel that shit again, (boots,
jumpsuit, jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc.) then I got the urge to take
a dump!

12/24   If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives that fuckin' snowplow,
I'll drag his ass thru the snow by his balls!  I think he hides around the
corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street
about 100 miles an hour and throws that white crap everywhere.

12/25   Merry fuckin' Christmas.  They predict 12 more inches of the damn
white crap tonight.  Does anyone know  how many goddamn shovel fulls of snow
12 inches  is?  My back is killing me.  To Hell with Santa and  his shitty
little elves; they don't have to shovel that white shit!  That fuckin'
snowplower came by asking for a donation.  I hit the fucker with my ice axe.
 The doctors think he'll live.

12/28   We got 11 more inches.  I must be going snowblind or have a severe
case of depression, because the old bag is beginning to look good to me.

12/29   The toilet froze and the roof is starting to cave in. If you go
outside, don't eat the brown snow.

12/30   I torched the fuckin' house, and 'am moving back to sunny California!