Basic Pointers For Airline Travel (or, "How To Be Less Of An
Inconsiderate, Blithering Idiot While Traveling")

By Vince Sabio

HumourNet Communications, Ltd.  

1. Learn some elementary physics: That bag will NOT fit into the
overhead compartment.

2. Try to be smarter about seating: If you have poor bladder control,
then perhaps a window seat isn't a good choice for you.

3. Stewardesses do not have ESP; learn the proper use of the CALL
button.

4. Newspapers: wide; seats: narrow. Don't open your newspaper right
into my field of view unless you're willing to let me finish
reading that column.

5. If you insist on reading my computer screen, then I insist on
typing disparaging comments about you.

6. Children travel best in one of two forms: (1) muzzled and heavily
sedated; (2) checked baggage.

7. No one cares how much of a frequent flyer you are; unless you're in
First Class, shut up, sit down, and buckle in like everyone else.

8. And if you *are* in First Class, then cut the smug routine; we all
know you got there on an upgrade.

9. If the seat in front of you is occupied, then learn how to operate
a tray table. Specifically, it is not necessary to vibrate the
occupant's fillings loose when you open the table, nor is it
necessary to knock out his contacts when stowing the table.

10. Your butt is bigger than you think; watch where you point it.

11. I don't care how they do things in your home state or country, but
here in the civilized world, we try to bathe at least once within
the week prior to air travel. This helps to prevent accidental
deployment of the air bags during flight.

12. If you still decide to *not* bathe prior to air travel, then at
least try to leave SOME of that cheap perfume in the bottle, okay?

13. Your briefcase goes under the seat in *front* of you, not the seat
directly *beneath* you. MY LEGS go under the seat beneath you. If
you INSIST on providing comfortable leg room for yourself by
sliding your briefcase into the space where my feet were resting,
then expect to retrieve said briefcase with a NEW lock
combination.(*)  And yes, it will be locked, so be sure to keep
the boarding pass for your connecting flight on *you*, and not in
your briefcase.

14. Flying is like camping: Whether in your bags, in your stomach, or
on your person, you should leave with the same amount of stuff you
started with.

Copyright 1997 by Vincent Sabio, HumourNet Communications Ltd. All
Rights Reserved; permission is hereby granted to forward or post
"Basic Pointers For Airline Travel," provided that the by-line (above)
and this copyright statement are included.

(*) Yes, I actually did this once -- and our Assistant Moderator can
verify it, as she was sitting next to me at the time.