FileTitle: Prose1863.html
Category: Humor
Type: Prose
Description: Hospital Planning
 To: All university hospital nursing staff.
 From: Administration/Groundskeeping
 Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures.
 Date: May 21,1997.

 Effective August 1, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each
 Charge Nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of
 ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In
 addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the
 patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided
 for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of
 monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance
 duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardiac and
 security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.
 Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need
 to let their families know to bring something, or make arrangements with
 Subway, KFC, Dominos,etc. before meal time. Coin operated telephones will
 be available in the patients rooms for this purpose as well as for other
 calls the patients may wish to make.

 Housekeeping and Physical Therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued
 to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion
 exercise as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients
 may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for
 special discounts from their final bill. Time cards will be provided.
 As you can see on the "From" line above, administration is assuming
 groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling
 his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the
 sound of a lawnmower, weed-whacker,etc..
 Engineering is being eliminated. This hospital has subscribed to the
 Time-Life "HOW TO..." series of maintenance books. These books can be
 checked out from administration and a toolbox will be standard equipment
 on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one
 volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but
 if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as
 you can until the appropriate volume arrives.
 Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accomodated by only performing
 blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.
 Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than 2 X-rays per
 patient per stay. This is due to the turn-around time required by
 Eckerd's photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one and
 physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if
 they want extra copies. Eckerd's will also honor competitors' coupons for
 one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any
 coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.

 In light of the extremely hot summer temperatures forecast, T.U.Electric
 has been asked to install individual meters in each patient's room,
 office,etc. so that electrical consumption can be monitored and
 appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the
 hospital gift shop.

 In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection
 of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor, Families,
 patients and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute
 discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the
 pharmacy for nosocomical production of antibiotics. These antibiotics
 will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy, and
 will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on the HMO's