FileTitle: Prose1867.html
Category: Humor
Type: Prose
Description: Darwin Award - 1997

You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to the
person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves
in the most extraordinarily stupid way.

The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out
of it.

In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO unit to
his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the roadbed.

And now, the 1997 winner:  Larry Waters of Los Angeles-- one of the few
Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment.

Larry's boyhood dream was to fly.  When he graduated from high school,
he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor
eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to
satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.

One day, Larry, had a bright idea.  He decided to fly. He went to the
local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and
several tanks of helium.  The weather balloons, when fully inflated,
would measure more than four feet across.

Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn
chair.   He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the
balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was still
only a few feet above the ground.

Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack
of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-- figuring he could pop a few
balloons when it was time to descend-- and went back to the floating
lawn chair.  He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and
provisions. Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30
feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours
come back down.

Things didn't quite work out that way.

When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't
float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead  he streaked into the LA sky
as if shot from a cannon.

He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After
climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet At that height he
couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load
and really find himself in trouble.  So he stayed there, drifting, cold
and frightened, for more than 14 hours.

Then he really got in trouble.

He found himself drifting into the primary approach corridor of Los
Angeles International Airport.

A United pilot first spotted Larry.  He radioed the tower and described
passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence
of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport.

LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was
dispatched to investigate.

LAX is right on the ocean.  Night was falling and the offshore breeze
began to flow.  It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot

Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew
determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for
a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever
they neared.

Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet
above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled
back to shore.  The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the
helicopter crew.

As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members
of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace.

As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the
daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry stopped, turned and
replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."