FileTitle: Prose2152.html
Category: Humor
Type: Prose
Description: Household Rules For Children from Old Testament
Household rules for young children from the Old Testament

 Hezekiah 4:4-46       

 Lamentations of the Father

Laws of Forbidden Places:
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all
that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but
not in the living room.  Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with
cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room.  Of the cereal grains,
of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals
that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in
the living room.  Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen
after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room. 
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups,
you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such
therein.  Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet
begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you
drink.  But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something,
then may you eat in the living room.

Laws When at Table:
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a
greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they
were.  Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table,
for that is an abomination to me.  Yes, even when you have an
interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an
abomination, and worthy of rebuke.  Drink your milk as it is given you,
neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for
that is not what they are for. If you will dip your blocks in the milk,
and lick it off, you will be sent away.  When you have drunk, let the
empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge
and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it
sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.  When you chew your
food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open
it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do
not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you. 
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize
the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe
your lips.  I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is. 
though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not
with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is
why.   And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do
not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that,
that is why.  Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side
or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away.  Heed me;
for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup.  And now
behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert:
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is
clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have
dessert.  But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:  If you have
eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite
consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas,
eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes
to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall
have dessert.  But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat
the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the
peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no,
not even a small portion thereof.  And if you try to deceive by moving
the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have
eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity.  And I will know,
and you shall have no dessert.

On Screaming:
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time.  If you are
given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other
are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while
you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say
to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the
server may correct the fault.  Likewise if you receive a portion of
fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped
off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in
vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness
overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound
from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your
fingers to your nose.  For even I have made the fish as it should be;
behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.

Concerning Face and Hands:
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the
hills, that I may more easily wash you off.  For the stains are upon
you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.  And in
the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice
and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.  Only
hold yourself still; hold still, I say.  Give each finger in its turn
for my examination thereof, and also each thumb.  Lo, how iniquitous
they appear.  What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence
until I have done.

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances:
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.  Neither drink of your own
bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on 
bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub your feet against cars,
not against any building; nor eat sand.  Leave the cat alone, for what
has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape?  And hum not
the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the
book.  Indeed, you will drive me to madness.  Nor forget what I said
about the tape.