Description: Stress, Satire
**HOW TO STAY STRESSED**
YOU ALL WANT TO STAY STRESSED!!!!!!
* STRESS HELPS YOU SEEM IMPORTANT: Anyone as stressed as you must be
working very hard and, therefore, is probably doing something very
* IT HELPS YOU TO MAINTAIN PERSONAL DISTANCE AND AVOID INTIMACY:
Anyone as busy as you are certainly can't be expected to form
emotional attachments to anyone. And let's face it, you're not
much fun to be around anyway.
* IT HELPS YOU AVOID RESPONSIBILITIES: Obviously, you are too
stressed to be given any more work. This gets you off the hook for
all the mundane chores; let someone else take care of them.
* IT HELPS YOU AVOID SUCCESS: Why risk being successful, when by
simply being stressed you can avoid all of that? Stress can keep
your performance level low enough that success won't ever be a
* IT GIVES YOU A CHEMICAL RUSH: Stress might be considered a cheap
thrill, and you can give yourself a 'hit' any time you choose.
But, be careful. You might get addicted to your own adrenaline.
* STRESS ALSO HELPS YOU KEEP YOUR AUTHORITARIAN MANAGEMENT STYLE:
The authoritarian style of 'just do what I say!' is generally
permissible under crisis conditions. If you maintain a permanently
stressed crisis atmosphere, you can justify an authoritarian style
all of the time.
AND here's HOW to stay stressed:
* NEVER EXERCISE: Exercise wastes a lot of the time that
could be spent worrying.
* EAT ANYTHING YOU WANT: Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your
system, a balanced diet isn't likely to either.
* GAIN WEIGHT: Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your
* TAKE PLENTY OF STIMULANTS: The old standards of caffeine,
nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the job just fine.
* AVOID 'WOO-WOO' PRACTICES: Ignore the evidence suggesting that
meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or mental imaging help to
reduce stress. The Protestant work ethic is good for everyone,
Protestant or not.
* GET RID OF YOUR SOCIAL SUPPORT SYSTEM: Let the few friends who are
willing to tolerate you know that you concern yourself with
friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a
few people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.
* PERSONALIZE ALL CRITICISM: Anyone who criticizes any aspect of
your work, family, dog, house, or car is mounting a personal
attack. Don't take the time to listen, be offended, then return
* THROW OUT YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR: Staying stressed is no laughing
matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.
* MALES AND FEMALES ALIKE-BE MACHO: Never ask for any help, and if
you want it done right, do it yourself!
* BECOME A WORKAHOLIC: Put work before everything else, and be sure
to take work home evenings and weekends. Keep reminding yourself
that vacations are for sissies.
* DISCARD GOOD TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS: Schedule more activities
every day than you can possibly get done, then worry about it all
whenever you get a chance.
* PROCRASTINATE: Putting things off to the last second always
produces a marvelous amount of stress.
* WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL: Worry about the stock
market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age. You know, all the
* BECOME NOT ONLY A PERFECTIONIST BUT SET IMPOSSIBLY HIGH
STANDARDS: and either beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed,
discouraged, and or inadequate when you don't meet them.