Description: Consumer Reports on Girlfriends (Satire)
Well it's been almost 20 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed
girlfriends (CR, Aug 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new
features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has
changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was
As in a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a
girlfriend for before obtaining one. This will, in large part,
dictate the final product which you should consider. Do you want an
intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just
lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the
first, and most important, step in selecting a girl - friend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how
much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your
physical and personal characteristics -- if you are good looking,
have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will
have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other
hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your
choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when
considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that
a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice;
due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will
actually *increase* with time.
Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to
get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will,
roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the
Your Age Used or New
1-12 years (See note A)
13-16 years New
17-21 years Used, but not used up
22-35 years Used heavily
35-60 years New (See note B)
60+ (Ssee note A)
A: Seek psychiatric help.
B: Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".
New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad
experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will
rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used
girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers,
with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that you avoid
models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much
greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend
was a professional.
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern
will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on
such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other
accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which
come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while
chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of
accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some
accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such
as a large bosom) must be factory installed.
The Test Ride
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test
ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range
from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the
aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane
("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU
rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once on the
test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two
questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the
detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or
does she remain cool?
Ordering vs. On-The-Lot
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and
many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and
accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an
option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on
the state you live in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a
practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you should
reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers,
selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were
performed at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included
a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and
taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run,
evaluating each product according to the following criterion:
intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within
each category, variation is not statistically significant.
This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the
options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue
subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball,
understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed.
No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is
not actually available.
This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with contractual
retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an
alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate
The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has most
of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong
size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term
investment. Availability is extremely limited but can occasionally
be found with luck.
This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options.
Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy
and suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for
your long-term girlfriend needs.
The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't
be caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on
The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a
girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be
spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.
Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!