FileTitle: Prose240.html
Category: Humor
Type: Prose
Description: Think of the Internet as a Highway?

  "Think of the Internet as a highway."

  There it is again.  Some clueless fool talking about the "Information
  Superhighway."  They don't know didley about the net.  It's nothing
  like a superhighway.  That's a rotten metaphor.

  Suppose the metaphor ran in the other direction.  Suppose the highways
  were like the net. . .

  A highway hundreds of lanes wide.  Most with pitfalls for potholes.
  Privately operated bridges and overpasses.  No highway patrol.  A
  couple of rent-a-cops on bicycles with broken whistles.  500 member
  vigilante posses with nuclear weapons.  A minimum of 237 on ramps at
  every intersection.  No signs.  Wanna get to Ensenada?  Holler out
  the window at a passing truck to ask directions.  Ad hoc traffic
  laws.  Some lanes would vote to make use by a single-occupant-
  vehicle a capital offense on Monday through Friday between 7:00 and
  9:00.  Other lanes would just shoot you without a trial for talking
  on a car phone.

  AOL would be a giant diesel-smoking bus with hundreds of ebola
  victims on board throwing dead wombats and rotten cabbage at the other
  cars, most of which have been assembled at home from kits.  Some are
  built around 2.5 horsepower lawnmower engines with a top speed
  of nine miles an hour.  Others burn nitrogylcerin and idle at 120.

  No license plates.  World War II bomber nose art instead.  Terrifying
  paintings of huge teeth or vampire eagles.  Bumper mounted machine
  guns.  Flip somebody the finger on this highway and get a white
  phosphorus grenade up your tailpipe.  Flatbed trucks cruise around
  with anti-aircraft missile batteries to shoot down the traffic
  helicopter.  Little kids on tricycles with squirtguns filled with
  hydrochloric acid switch lanes without warning.


  Now that's the way to run an Internet Highway system.