NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike. Sure, you thought you
          already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of
          surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts
          have emerged:

          Relationships:
          First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he
          refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a
          semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and
          pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem
          titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on
          with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months
          after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and
          say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
          forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you
          to know there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate
          You/I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at
          least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help
          men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

          Sex:
          Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds
          of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
          foreplay.

          Maturity:
          Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
          function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball
          cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
          school romances rarely work out.

          Comedy:
          Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching
          television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on.
          Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh
          uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's
          favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it
          out.

          Handwriting:
          To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
          chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
          their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large
          loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from
          a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the
          end of the note.

          Bathrooms:
          A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush,
          toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from
          the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's
          bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these
          items.